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Minnesota Vikings Joke
Collection |
Last Updated: 10/06/08
How many Vikings does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
None, they screw in a boat.
SKOAL VIKINGS!!!!!
(Sung to theme from Gilligan's island)
Come sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of fateful trip
That started from a small lake town
Aboard two tiny ships
The mates were a bunch of pole dancers
But the waitstaff was too pure
The Vikings team set sail that day
For a three hour tour, a three hour tour
The action started getting hot
The dancers strutted their stuff
If not for the prudes in the fearless crew
There wouldn't have been such a huff
The boats turned around and went back home
The authorities came aboard
But fear not friends, 'cause all's not lost
The Vikings finally scored!
POLICE
REPORT:
Mike Tice's House was Egged
Minneapolis police reported that some individual attempted to "egg"
Mike Tice's house last night.
An empty egg carton was recovered at the scene. Two eggs hit Mr.
Tice's house, 3 eggs went over his house and hit his neighbor's back
door,
2
eggs hit the houses of each of his next door neighbors, and the remaining 3 eggs
were found broken on the ground near the carton from where the
individual threw them.
Looking at what was hit, police officials say they are considering
Daunte Culpepper as the primary suspect.
The Packers had taken the field when they
noticed a Viking fan standing in front of the tunnel taunting them and hollering
a bevy of lurid put downs. After listening to as much as they could
take, the entire Packers defensive backfield chased the Viking fan into the
tunnel. Five minutes later they came crawling out all bloodied and beaten,
followed by the Viking fan who was still hollering. After a few more
minutes of this the Packers entire offensive line chased the Vikings fan into
the tunnel. After another five minutes had passed they came crawling out
looking even worse than the last bunch. They were also followed by the
Viking fan who was, by this time, getting even louder. Finally, after
listening to the Viking fan as long as he could, Ray Rhodes set his remaining 36
players into the tunnel after the Viking fan. About ten minutes passed and
finally, one bloodied Packer came crawling out and hollered to the coach,
"It's a trap. There's two of them."
Why Do the Packers have natural grass in their
feild? Its for their cheerleaders to graze on.
This next set of jokes
submitted on 6/20/03 is not exactly Pro-Vikings, but you have to have a sense of
humor with the last couple seasons. You can always replace
"Vikings" with "Packers" if you don't like the jokes...
A Viking football fan was almost killed in a
tragic horse accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to
death. Thank God the manager of the
K-Mart came out and unplugged it.
----------------
Three football fans, one a Viking fan one a chiefs fan and one a packers
fan were running from the cops. They hid inside potato sacks. The cops were
searching to find which one to shoot at when the Packer fan in bag number one
"made a barking noise". The second one (the chiefs fan)
"made a meow". And the third one (Viking fan) said "potato".
----------------
Wildcard playoff ticket... $65.00
Ahman Green replica jersey... $75.00
Round of shots for your pals to celebrate the Packs victory...$45.00
Mocking some shmuck wearing a Vikings hat...priceless!
----------------
The Vikings and the Packers had an ice fishing tournament. The first day the
Packers caught 100 fish and the Vikings didn't catch any. The second day the
Packers caught 200 fish and the Vikings didn't catch any. The third day the
Vikings were getting worried so they dressed Randy Moss up like a Packer and
sent him with the Packs to see why they were catching so many fish and the
Vikings couldn't catch any. That day the Packs caught 300 fish and the Vikings
caught none. They said what's the deal Randy, are they cheating or what's going
on? Randy said you bet they are, they are drilling holes in the ice!
----------------
A Packer fan, a Viking fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train
traveling through Switzerland when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes
completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud
slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, Pamela Anderson and the Packer fan
are sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Viking fan is holding his
slapped face. The Viking fan is thinking, "That Packer fan must have kissed
Pamela Anderson and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead."
Pamela Anderson is thinking, "That Viking fan must have tried to kiss me,
accidentally kissed the Packer, and got slapped for it." And the Packer fan
is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel,
I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Vikings fan again."
----------------
One day three football fans got into heaven, a Bucks fan, a Vikings fan and a
Packer fan (dont ask how the Viking fan got in). When you get into heaven
there are 2 rules. First is respect God, second is don't step on the pink
clouds. So one day the Packers fan is walking along and sees the Bucks fan with
a super ugly girl, he asks what happened and the Bucks fan replies, "I
stepped on a pink cloud and now I am stuck with her, and she is ugly even in
Tampa bay standards". Wow, the Green Bay fan thinks, I must be very careful
not to step on one of the pink clouds! Later that day he sees the Minnesota fan
with a girl, and asks him what happened and before the Minnesota fan can reply
the girl blurts out "I stepped on a pink cloud.''
"I Think Therefore I am not a packer
fan"
said with deep purple pride by jeff d.
How do the vikings count to ?
0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10
Q. Why do the Vikings Play in the Dome?
A. Because God doesn't want to see them
Q. Why are the Vikings like a possum?
A. The
Q. What's the difference between the MINNESOTA
VIKINGS & the Taliban?
A. The Taliban has a running game
Q. How do the MINNESOTA VIKINGS count to 10?
A. 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10
Q. What do the MINNESOTA VIKINGS & Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 60,000 people stand up & yell "Jesus Christ"
Q. How do you keep a MINNESOTA VIKING out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts
Q. Where do you go in MINNEAPOLIS in case of a tornado?
A. To the Metrodome - they never get a touchdown there!
Q. What do you call a MINNESOTA VIKING with a SuperBowl ring?
A. A thief
Q. Why was Dennis Green upset when the MINNESOTA VIKING playbook was stolen?
A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.
Q. What's the difference between RANDY MOSS and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar
Q. How many MINNESOTA VIKINGS does it take to win a Superbowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!
Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the SuperBowl?
A. The MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Q. What do the MINNESOTA VIKINGS and opossums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road
Q. How can you tell when the MINNESOTA VIKINGS are going to run the football?
A. The back leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.
AP NEWSWIRE OCTOBER 29, 2001 Minnesota Viking
football practice was delayed for two hours today. One of the players, while on
his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a
suspicious-looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head
Coach Dennis Green immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to
investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white
substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when
FBI Special Agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the
substance again.
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned
to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and
I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised,
but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going
so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more
privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I
tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else.
I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on
the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around
me. I didn't know what he hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back
or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to
leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he
joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really
distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him, but I just cried myself
to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's
seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
The Vikings lost. Got laid though.
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and
introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "what is your
IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is
wonderful!" says Albert. We will talk out the Grand Unification Theory and
the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert
introduces himself to a woman and asks, "what is your IQ?" to which
the lady answers "144." "That is great!" responds Albert.
"We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to
discuss!" Albert goes to Brett Favre and asks, "what is your IQ?"
to which Brett answers, "4." Albert responds,"How 'bout them
Packers?"
The next day the devil stops in to check on
them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens, and bomber hats warming
themselves around the fire. The devil asks them,"What are you doing? Isn't
it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply,"vell, ya know, we're from nordern Wisconsin, the land
of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit,
ya know." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and
turns up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas,
hats, and mittens. The devil asks them again,"It's awfully hot down here,
can't you guys feel that?" Again the two guys reply,"Vell, like we
told you yesterday, we're from nordern Wisconsin, the land of snow and ice and
cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He
cranks up the heat as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming
everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Wisconsin and finds them
in light jackets and hats, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The devil is
astonished,"everyone down here is in abject miseryn and you two seem to be
enjoying yourselves." The two Wisconsinites reply,"Vell, ya know, we
don't get too much warm weather up dere in Eagle River. We've just got to have a
fish fry when the weather's this nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up
with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all
their lives. The devil decides to turn off all the heat in hell. The next
morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, people
are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan, and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Wisconsinites. He gets
there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are
jumping up and down, cheering, yelling, and screaming like mad men. The devil is
dumbfounded,"I don't understand. When I turn up the heat, you're happy. Now
it's freezing cold and you're still happy.What is wrong with you two?" The
Wisconsinites look at the devil in surprise,"Vell, don't ya know? If hell
froze overdat must mean da Packers won da Super Bowl."
Q. Why doesn't Milwaukee have a
professional football team?
A. Because Green Bay would want one too.
Four guys climb Mount Everest...One guy devoted
to the Giants, one guy to the Steelers, one for the Packers and one for the
Vikings. So they all make to the top of Everest so the Giants fan says,
"For the Giants Super Bowl Champions" and jumps off. The Steeler
fan says "For the Steel Curtain" and jumps off. The Vikings Fan
says "For the Vikings" and pushes the Packers fan off.
Why did Michael Irvin want to get traded to
Minnesota?
He heard there's plenty of snow, and it's all
free.
There was a player that played for a lot of teams in
his career. He was forced to play with a lot of team because every team he
played for beat him up. The NFL tried to do almost everything to protect
him until one day they asked him, "Where do you want to play
next?" He told them that he wanted to play in Green Bay. They
asked him why and he told them: "Well, they don't beat anybody these
days."
Q: How do you keep dolphins out of your swimming pool?
A: Put up Goal Posts!
Q: What do you Call a Dallas Cowboy
Player in a 3 piece suit?
A: Defendant
Q: How did Brett Farve get 3rd degree burns on his face?
A: Bobbing for French fries
It is during one of the bi-annual Bear/Packer
games. A Bear fan, dressed head to toe in the colors of his team is
standing at the urinal taking care of business. A packer fan, dressed head
to toe in green and gold, stands at the urinal next to him. The bear fan
finishes his business and starts to head for the door. The Packer fan sees
this and says: "Hey Chicago! Don't they teach you to wash your hands
after you use the bathroom where you come from?" The Bear fan turns
around and says, "No, they teach us not to pee on our hands."
Brett Farve couldn't get into his own house because the door
mat said "End Zone."
There's a guy who needs a new car so he went to
a car dealership and said,"I need a new car." Then the dealerman
said,"We have such a new car that if you say what kind of music you want it
comes on." The dealerman said,"Would you like to take it for a spin?
The guy said,sure." So he took it for a ride he said,Rock" it came on.
Then he said,"Country" it came on. Then on a red light some teenagers
came speeding by and then the guy said,"You styupid idiots." Then the
Packer game came on!
What's the difference between a dead Viking fan
after being hit by a car and a dead Packer fan after being struck by a car?
There's skid marks infront of the Viking fan.
I hear Green Bay had to put new sod on their
field - too much Moss in the end zone!
My 2 Favorite Teams are the Vikings and whoever
plays the Packers.
45 Cowboys and in a bar watching T.V. What are
they watching? The Super Bowl.
A Viking Fan is having breakfast one morning;
coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Packer Fan, chewing gum, sits
down next to him.
The Viking Fan ignores the Packer guy who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation: Packer Fan: "You Viking folk eat the
whole bread??"
Viking Fan (in a bad mood): "Of
course."
Packer Fan: (after blowing a huge bubble)
"We don't. In Wisconsin, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect
in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
Minnesota."
The Packer Fan has a smirk on his face. The
Viking Fan listens in silence. The Packer Fan persists: "Do you eat jelly
with the bread??"
Viking Fan: "Of Course."
Packer Fan: (cracking his gum between his teeth
and chuckling). "We don't. In Wisconsin we eat fresh fruit for breakfast,
then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam and sell the jam to Minnesota."
The Viking Fan then asks: "Do you have sex
in Wisconsin?"
Packer Fan: "Why of course we do", he
says with a big smirk. Viking Fan: And what do you do with the condoms once
you've used them?"
Packer Fan: "We throw them away, of
course."
Viking Fan: "We don't. In Minnesota, we
put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell
them to Wisconsin.
Brett Favre dies after living a long and productive
life, filling out the remainder of his years as a
freelance chicken farmer outside of Sheboygan.
Upon dying, he finds himself ascending towards
heaven (stick with me here folks). As he reaches
Heaven, he is greeted at the pearly gates by none
other than God himself. God introduces himself, and
says "Come with me, my child, and I'll show you to
your new home." Favre follows, overjoyed, and
soon enough they arrive at a cozy log cabin, with a
small garden out back, and ample room for chicken
raising. A green and gold packer flag flies from a
small pole attached to the front of the cabin, and
Favre is pleased. As Brett prepares to open the
front door of his cabin, he looks over his shoulder to
a towering purple mountain, an enormous gold castle
perched at its summit, and a path paved of
rare purple stones and solid gold bricks leading to
its massive gates. Brightly colored Vikings flags
and purple banners snap in the wind, and a
thunderous Vikings horn can be heard bellowing
mightily in the distance. Favre is awestruck at
the majesty of the sight, and after recovering
himself, he says "God, I don't wish to sound
ungrateful, but why is Duante Culpepper's house
so much greater than mine?" God smiles gently
at Favre, lays his hand lovingly on his shoulder
and says "Brett, my child. That's not Duante
Culpepper's house, its MINE."
lazarus@cae.wisc.edu
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed
in
parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Vell, ya know, we're from nordern Minnesoda,
the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to
warm up a little bit, ya know."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns
up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed
in parkas, hats and mittens.
The devil asks them again, "Its awfully hot down here, can't you
guys feel that?"
Again the two guys reply, "Vell, like we told you yesterday, we're from
nordern Minnesoda, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just
happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two
guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are
wailing and screaming every where.
He stops by the room with the two guys from Minnesota and finds
them in light jackets and hats, grilling walleye and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery,
and you two seem to be enjoying yourself."
The two Minnesodans reply, "Vell, ya know, we don't get too much
warm weather up dere in International Falls, we've just got to
have a fish fry when the weathers this nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight.
Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat
because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to
turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are
hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are
unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Minnesodans.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats,
and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and
screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumb founded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the
heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy.
What is wrong with you two?"
The Minnesodans look at the devil in surprise, "Vell, don't ya
know, If hell froze over dat must mean da Vikings won da super bowl."
A guy stops at a store forgetting that he has two Green Bay Packer tickets on his dashboard. He comes out of the store and finds his car broken into. The police show up, and while
making out the crime report - ask if there was anything stolen. The guy said, "Just my jackets, a couple of
CD's and when I looked on the dash - I saw two more Packer tickets."
How do you address a cowboy in a suit? will the defendant rise
What do you call a Viking with a Super Bowl Ring?
Thief (Sorry, for this joke).
The Drive
A Viking fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Green Bay
Packer fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their obnoxious green and
yellow colors. He would swerve his purple and gold van as if to hit them and, at the last
instant, he would swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the van driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he
would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the priest, "Where are you
going, Father?"
"I'm going to say Mass at St. Joseph's Church, about five miles down the road,"
replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.
Suddenly the driver saw a Packer fan walking down the road and
instinctively swerved as if to hit him but, just in
time, he swerved back. Thinking he'd narrowly missing the fellow, he still heard a loud
"THUD."
Not understanding where the noise came from he
glanced in his mirrors and he didn't see anything.
Remembering his passenger, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I
almost hit that Green Bay Packer fan."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the bastard
with the door!"
HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS?
Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Dallas Cowboys
**********************************************************************
Q: How many players did the Cowboys dress for their last game?
A: 22. The rest dressed themselves.
**********************************************************************
Q: What's Jerry Jones' biggest concern?
A: Does bail money count against the salary cap?
**********************************************************************
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.
**********************************************************************
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who's driving?
A: The police.
**********************************************************************
Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
**********************************************************************
Doctors say that because of Michael Irvin's broken clavicle, it will be
6-8 weeks before he can videotape a team-mate having sex.
**********************************************************************
I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of
the refrigerator and now they want a coke machine.
**********************************************************************
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to
take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on "grass".
**********************************************************************
The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System" - - Yes, your Honor, No,
your Honor.
**********************************************************************
The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season last year. - 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
**********************************************************************
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they
hired a new defensive co-ordinator -- Johnny Cochran.
**********************************************************************
Q: How do the Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying Miranda Rights.
**********************************************************************
Q: What's the difference between a Cowboys fan and a baby?
A: Eventually the baby stops whining.
**********************************************************************
A woman in Dallas calls 911. When the officer answers the phone the
woman is hysterical and tells the cop that a man has just broken into her
home and she thinks he intends to rape her. The officer explains that
they are just extremely busy at the moment and tells her, "Just get the
guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you."
**********************************************************************
Why are all of the Dallas Cowboy's in Summer School?
Studying for drug tests.
Jokes From: 1999
You can submit Your Own jokes Here. We will post them as
long as they are not too graphic or in bad taste. Add you name and e-mail
if you would like it posted (or tell us not to post your name).
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